Last night was double dance night on DWTS, and though the stars tried to double their pleasure, performing two dances gave most couples mixed results. There were two 28s and a bonafide 30, but all three performers with those high scores fizzled with their other dances and bottomed out with lower scores.
Helio may not be the flashiest slab of bacon in the pan but he is the most consistent dancer and got a 26 and 27 for his two numbers last night. His hip swiveling samba made me weak in my lady parts and I found myself fantasizing about riding in his lap at the Brickyard. What he lacks in dynamism he makes up for in consistency, and not coming from a dance background should score him points with fans who will surely drive him to the finals.
Marie Osmond showed flashes of brilliance in her boogie-woogie quickstep, and I have to admit beige sequins never looked so good. The judges lapped it up like brandy in my grandpa’s snifter and rewarded her with a solid 28 which included a perfect 10 from Carrie Ann. Just when it seemed Marie had turned a corner she hit the skids with her cha cha cha that garnered a scanty 24. She won’t be in the bottom two but I don’t think she has the stamina or rabbits in her hat to make it to the show’s zenith.
Mel B came off last week’s rumba feeling confident and cheeky but assed out with her first dance, the out of sync foxtrot. The judges gave her a hard time for her footwork and she was lucky to scrape up a 24. Her second dance was a repeat of last week’s perfection and the judges had no choice but to give her a gleaming 30 for her tenacious paso doble set to En Vogue’s “Free Your Mind”. The dance was great but I think one of the singers forgot to chime in for most of it. Luckily the judges don’t take off for distraction.
Jane had the lowest combined score of the night, and after a contest racked with death, food poisoning and bad luck she stumbled again with a mediocre quickstep. Her dress was shredded and her chances were in tatters after her second go with a slightly better cha cha cha. The judges gave her good (not great) marks and she was lucky to waltz out of there with an unimpressive 26. She is chum for the bottom and the sharks are hungry.
Jennie Garth is boring and her partner looks too Swedish for me to get into. Her first dance was a limp Viennese waltz that Len knocked for not been Viennese-y enough and Carrie Ann took issue with her broken lines (what, is this Studio 54 in the early 80s?). Bruno still gave her a 9 but the other two couldn’t get out of the land of 8. Her rumba was much better, which was the same dance that scored Mel B last week’s 30, and it was filled with romance, passion and orgasmic for Bruno was called it “truly satisfying”. She scored a generous 28 but because of her bland style and forgettable dances she has a good chance of twirling in the bottom two and a better chance of getting knocked out before the top three.
Cameron Matheson. This guy has been handsome and blessed since he left the womb and I was secretly hoping he’d be knocked out early for parity’s sake, but here he is, the Teflon god safe from the bottom two and killing it with his second dance. He started off stranger than Danny Bonaduce’s balls with an ill-timed quickstep that the judges called out of control and full of missteps. Just when it seemed the bottom two was pulling him down like an industrial magnet he rebounded like Superman with a gut full of Jesus Juice in a sensational jive. Near perfect 9s suited this sexy soap star like an evil twin and his jive might have saved pooperman from the toilet.
Amanda Avila (our DWTS correspondent on Reality Remix) thinks Cameron is in trouble, but I think the public’s sympathy for Jane has worn thin. Look for her and Jennie in the bottom two or my name’s not Kennedalia Muscovits. Oh wait, my name’s not Kennedalia Muscovits…it could be anyone’s game.
