Fancast: Reality Bites

If by “great” you mean average and uninspiring, then yes, this show’s for you. I have just jumped on the NGAB band wagon hoping to circumvent the auditions of losers and rejects that I can’t stand on America’s Got Talent, The Search for the Next Doll and American Inventor. The only place I want to see talentless hacks auditioning is on American Idol. It’s the only context that works.

SIX WIRE This band could be called Shit Wire. Or Six Why? Having skipped the early auditions I thought I’d find myself in a crap-free zone, that is until the boring, old looking and ordinary Six Wire took the stage. If they were the cover band at a desolate bar and I was drunk, out of money and lonely I’d still leave and find my way home in the back of a coyote driven El Camino.

TRES BIEN More like comme ci comme ca. This type of music sounds great…when it’s performed by Hot Hot Heat and Franz Ferdinand. These are the whimsical indie guys who borrowed their sound from 2003 and are still rocking the shag and ironic sport coats. They are certainly not horrible, and if I were in the same bar in the same condition I would actually stick around until someone offered me cab fare back to the assisted living facility.

CLARK BROTHERS These are the syrupy sweet-as-molasses boys that Carrie Underwood competed against in the McIntosh county fair. They play a banjo, a sitar and a mandolin (I don’t know if any of that is true) and they look pretty in a deliverance sort of way. If you listen past the rickety harmonies and thin vacancy where percussion should be you can hear the faint squeal of piglets.

LIGHT OF DOOM Awesome, fantastic, raging, awe inspiring, actual rock. Call me when their balls drop.

DOT DOT DOT Don’t don’t don’t. I am a big fan of the ellipsis but this band was so contrived and distracting it made me feel like an epileptic, always worried something bad is about to happen, sort of like the terror you feel for someone else when they are bombing miserably onstage. Is this really the best they can do, of the ten great bands in the world a third rate, off key Thompson Twins? That’s it???

CLIFF WAGNER AND THE OLD #7 If you are in the mood for blue grass, and let’s be honest, I have never been in the my life, this band is tight and sweet and consistent. I’m not sure there is a big blue grass market, but if there is and there is a void in it then by all means these whiskey swillin’ juggernauts deserve to fill it. Their original song was fantastic and their Elton John cover was seamless and showcased their musicality. Again, there is no place for blue grass in my life, but I enjoy the #7 immensely.

THE MUGGS Awful. Reprehensible nonsense that deserved a gong or a giant cane the first night they auditioned. The judges were high on vitamin K, crank, meth and steroids when they gave this band of Geritol popping misfits a shot. Get them off my screen. The singer sounds like he’s been downing handfuls of broken glass and singing songs through his nose to celebrate. Bring back Light of Doom, these guys suck wads of discarded balls.

ROCKET I wanted to love this band. Even if they were mildly good or slightly passable I would have been onboard with both feet. I love cute, quirky, slightly punk girl bands, in fact Cake Like, Veruca Salt, the Breeders, I can think of SOOO many bands that did it better. That girl needs to learn how to sing. If the Pussy Cat Dolls can find 17 girls who look like that who can pass as singers then certainly Rocket can eek out a few bills (or some well timed hand jobs) to get a few vocal lessons. Shame on you, ladies. Don’t waste the spotlight if you’re not going to commit to stardom.

DENVER AND THE MILE HIGH ORCHESTRA Lead singer Denver does not have the soul, chops, look or voice to carry this voluminous powerhouse, and although the horns, rhythm and woodwinds are swingin’ this cat can’t keep up. I want to like him, but his stiff stage presence and flat voice make him seem like a pussy.

I LOVED my interview with New Zealand host Dominic Bowden. He is passionate about music, comes from a radio background and deserves his shot as a big time US host. I look forward to watching his enthusiasm on the show if nothing else. Good on ya’, Kiwi!

Last night was double dance night on DWTS, and though the stars tried to double their pleasure, performing two dances gave most couples mixed results. There were two 28s and a bonafide 30, but all three performers with those high scores fizzled with their other dances and bottomed out with lower scores.

Helio may not be the flashiest slab of bacon in the pan but he is the most consistent dancer and got a 26 and 27 for his two numbers last night. His hip swiveling samba made me weak in my lady parts and I found myself fantasizing about riding in his lap at the Brickyard. What he lacks in dynamism he makes up for in consistency, and not coming from a dance background should score him points with fans who will surely drive him to the finals.

Marie Osmond showed flashes of brilliance in her boogie-woogie quickstep, and I have to admit beige sequins never looked so good. The judges lapped it up like brandy in my grandpa’s snifter and rewarded her with a solid 28 which included a perfect 10 from Carrie Ann. Just when it seemed Marie had turned a corner she hit the skids with her cha cha cha that garnered a scanty 24. She won’t be in the bottom two but I don’t think she has the stamina or rabbits in her hat to make it to the show’s zenith.

Mel B came off last week’s rumba feeling confident and cheeky but assed out with her first dance, the out of sync foxtrot. The judges gave her a hard time for her footwork and she was lucky to scrape up a 24. Her second dance was a repeat of last week’s perfection and the judges had no choice but to give her a gleaming 30 for her tenacious paso doble set to En Vogue’s “Free Your Mind”. The dance was great but I think one of the singers forgot to chime in for most of it. Luckily the judges don’t take off for distraction.

Jane had the lowest combined score of the night, and after a contest racked with death, food poisoning and bad luck she stumbled again with a mediocre quickstep. Her dress was shredded and her chances were in tatters after her second go with a slightly better cha cha cha. The judges gave her good (not great) marks and she was lucky to waltz out of there with an unimpressive 26. She is chum for the bottom and the sharks are hungry.

Jennie Garth is boring and her partner looks too Swedish for me to get into. Her first dance was a limp Viennese waltz that Len knocked for not been Viennese-y enough and Carrie Ann took issue with her broken lines (what, is this Studio 54 in the early 80s?). Bruno still gave her a 9 but the other two couldn’t get out of the land of 8. Her rumba was much better, which was the same dance that scored Mel B last week’s 30, and it was filled with romance, passion and orgasmic for Bruno was called it “truly satisfying”. She scored a generous 28 but because of her bland style and forgettable dances she has a good chance of twirling in the bottom two and a better chance of getting knocked out before the top three.

Cameron Matheson. This guy has been handsome and blessed since he left the womb and I was secretly hoping he’d be knocked out early for parity’s sake, but here he is, the Teflon god safe from the bottom two and killing it with his second dance. He started off stranger than Danny Bonaduce’s balls with an ill-timed quickstep that the judges called out of control and full of missteps. Just when it seemed the bottom two was pulling him down like an industrial magnet he rebounded like Superman with a gut full of Jesus Juice in a sensational jive. Near perfect 9s suited this sexy soap star like an evil twin and his jive might have saved pooperman from the toilet.

Amanda Avila (our DWTS correspondent on Reality Remix) thinks Cameron is in trouble, but I think the public’s sympathy for Jane has worn thin. Look for her and Jennie in the bottom two or my name’s not Kennedalia Muscovits. Oh wait, my name’s not Kennedalia Muscovits…it could be anyone’s game.

The tarts came out in full force on last night’s Bachelor as Jennie, DeAnna and Bettina snatched up fantasy suite invites faster than a starlet at a sample sale. Jennie was so eager to nude up with Bachelor Brad she didn’t even wait for an invite and practically pulled up her skirt at the table. Bettina had a more serious day and dinner with the Texan and had lots of ‘splaining to do over her insulting hometown date that left Brad feeling judged and ornery. They also spent time in the hottub and mixed it up in the sheets, but was it enough to keep Bettina up at bat? My favorite DeAnna was third on the roster and told Brad she’s falling in love. She tarted it up in private and finally got a chance to show Brad why Greeks are always smiling.

In the end Bettina couldn’t overcome the ghosts of divorce and her mean spirited family and their wasp-y Yale chins were too much for Brad to marry into. She seems like a sweet girl and with her adorable name and great bones she should have no problem finding a suitable suitor with a better educational background than bar back Brad.

Unaired episodes have been shot of the controversial sex-sting show, MSNBC's To Catch a Predator, Kentucky police have announced. The hidden-camera show -- a cult favorite so unusual it spawned a parody on FX's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia -- busts sexual "predators": men who meet underage girls online. Predator's newest operation was based in Louisville and Bowling Green, Ky., two of 13 cities where the show was filmed. No air dates yet, but they are expected to hit airwaves during November sweeps.

Predator, part of Dateline NBC, has been attacked by critics, including an NBC producer who was fired in 2006 after voicing ethical concerns about the show's practices. Esquire, Rolling Stone and 20/20 have called for its cancellation; advertisers have been spooked, reportedly. Some have whispered the show will be cancelled.

According to tax documents obtained last week by The Smoking Gun, NBC's hired agency that lures potential "predators," Perverted Justice, was paid $803,000 by the network in 2006 for eight sting operations.

Until then, check out Predator repeats every Monday at 7 and 10 p.m. EST, on MSNBC.

No more Scooby-Doo vitamins -- grown-ups now have Biggest Loser vitamins. Hollywood's newest weight-loss trick comes from Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels, who launched a vitamin line in October with Massachusetts-based medical company Bioceutica. Michaels' line customizes vitamins around a person's "biochemistry," she says. "It’s based on nutrition-nomics, which is how nutrition communicates with your individual genetics."

The catch? It analyzes saliva and urine. And you need to send them through the mail.

"Through the saliva and urine, they can tell exactly what your body is deficient in," Michaels says. "It’s designed to get through your stomach acids and into your cells. It’s incredible science."

An initial $99.95 fee includes "lab analysis," the Bioceutica Website says. The vitamins are available on Michaels' Website, jillianmichaels.com.

This season of the Race is going to be FANTASTIC! It already started off strong, but last night showed us new dimensions in the racers’ (crumbling) relationships, and while father and daughter and a few daters initially dove in to repair their love, it seems the Race is bringing out the hater in everyone.

Azaria and Hendekea were first out of Shannon and shared a flight with half the group to Amsterdam. Team Gramps rubbed some Irish eyes the wrong way with their pushiness, and daddy Ronald (also nicknamed “Mr. Miyagi”) loudly took issue with their seat securing tactics. Ron’s negativity got the best of him and brought out the worst in his relationship with daughter Christina. Ron thinks the best way to help his daughter is by criticizing, second guessing and berating, but what he doesn’t realize is his “life lessons” are weakening a fragile relationship and could damage their standing in the game. When you are too distracted by apologizing for your stubborn dad, you miss out on opportunities to pick up time and gain advantages. When you’re worried you’re doing everything wrong, you tend to take the safe route instead of the advantageous one.

The Dutch detour was called Hoist It or Hunt It, where teams had to either lift pieces of furniture with ropes and pulleys into an apartment window, or search for matching bikes out of hundreds of potential pairs. It should have been called Roll It or Suck It, where teams had to roll the best-looking joints and sell them to naïve tourists at the Bulldog café, or huff dong for the highest bidder in the red light district. Come on, can’t you see Gramps posing suggestively in a storefront or Pat complaining there’s too much shake in the mixed green? Most teams chose Hoist It, and Lorena and Jason sailed through while the Goths and TK and Rachel stumbled and wasted time and had to switch partners mid hoist. Girls ended up tying better knots and saving the day for the clumsy boys.

The very, very best part of the show was the Roadblock that had teams “ditch vaulting” (think pole vault over a bog), and while Lorena and Jason sailed on the first try other teams fell short or just plain fell off the pole altogether. Ronald berated Christina so badly I was surprised she didn’t bugger him with her wooden pole. What a bastard! He is a relentless jack hammer. Some racers botched the attempt and landed on their backs or in the drink, but the greatest by far was Grandpa Don dripping in black mud, stripped down to his skivvies looking like a beaten Joe Pesci wallowing in the ditch in Casino. He finally made it over and came in a respectable 8th, just ahead of the doomed father/daughter duo.

Sweet Kate and Pat missed the bus and were too late getting to the Roadblock. They knew they’d lost, but they completed the task and left the race with heads held high and only regretted not being able to further show what a pair of feisty lesbian ministers can do. It is moving to see two supportive, loving people on the show and teams like Donald and Christina and Nathan and Jennifer have much to learn about kindness and patience and how to race with the one you love.

Geometry was the name of the game and Euclid rolled in his grave like a pot on a kick wheel after seeing these dullards struggle with basic shapes. Santino Rice, Project Runway 2 finalist, helped the remaining catwalkers create outfits out of random shapes cut from exact geometric instructions. Armed with protractors and strings, the models tried to cut out rhombi, pentagons, rectangles, circles and triangles, and while two teams sailed through others flat out sucked. Andre couldn’t get the concept of how to measure a circle (outstretched string) and Rachel Meyers couldn’t figure out anything at all. Pickel and Brett hacked their shapes fastest and were granted a 30 minute consult with challenge creator Santino.

Santino, how I’ve missed you! I think he had his teeth fixed because he’s lost that homeless/diabolic unattractiveness he rocked on the Runway a few years ago. Santino remarked how beautiful these models are, and then he quickly marveled at their idiocity. Seeing Santino made me miss Project Runway, and then I remembered it’s coming back in a few short days. Pinch me now, Heidi Klum!

The models had to show their wares in a fashion show with one wearing the creation and the other narrating with color commentary during the walk off. Aussie Rachel and VJ went first and were annihilated by the judges for her tacky bandeau top and checkerboard skirt with circular saddlebag cutouts. Rachel Meyers rocked her melon colored separates and embarrassed herself by laughing like a hyena and mispronouncing simple shapes. Guest judge Marilyn Heston called the outfit too simple and bashed it for the retina burning color. Angela rocked a purple and white number while Andre claimed in his commentary the dress could be worn anytime, anywhere. Ben Stein took issue with this while Mary Alice compared it to an ice skating dress. The only standouts were Edge challenge winners Pickel and Brett who fashioned a boxing robe and man-skirt into a fashion forward ensemble that had the judges atwitter and the contestants jealous. They won the contest easily and were applauded for not only doing well but also having the foresight to cripple former frontrunners VJ and Rachel with a difficult shape.

The shock of the show came from blonde Rachel’s early dismissal on the runway that blindsided her and shocked her competitors. Mary Alice lambasted her for narrowly escaping elimination last week and bringing down the smartest player in the game this week, and for all her blonde moments and missteps she was shown the dressing room door. She was sad and whimpered and her showmance VJ seemed a little disappointed but ready to refocus with his pushups and promises to win the kitty. Maybe he won’t be distracted by playing feed the kitty with a girl whose worth in the house hardly extended outside the bedroom.

Surprising it hasn't happened before the fifth season. Sweatin' to the Oldies stud Richard Simmons made his Dancing with the Stars debut Monday night, supporting the downcast Jennie Garth. Waving red pompoms, in a blue bangly T, Simmons appeared out of nowhere during rehearsals as Garth toiled with her partner Derek Hough. "Jenny, Jenny," Simmons chanted. "You are loved by oh so many!"

Garth squealed with delight and told audiences in a voiceover, "I love Richard Simmons. That he took his time to come visit me, I can't believe it!"

The 90210 alumna has been labeled by judges, notably Carrie Ann Inaba, as a Debbie Downer who needs to elevate her self-confidence. Simmons told Garth that she needed to work on her "self-worth" -- and was "worth more than all the pearls in the ocean."

To little avail: Garth scored 50 out of 60 points and looks a likely choice for elimination on tonight's show.

Dancing with the Stars viewers got a glimpse inside the Mel B/Stephen Belafonte household during Monday's show. And it looks like a lot of fun. In efforts to tap into Mel B's aggressive side for her dance intensity, Belafonte, Mel B's husband of six months, told her during a taped at-home segment, "You're fat." Belafonte also reminded her that he leaves his wet dirty towels on the bathroom floor and removes the caps from toothpaste tubes.

"If I can be as angry at the tango as my husband made me," Mel B said. Eddie Murphy who?

Roseanne vs. Tom Arnold. Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant. And now The Hills' Lauren "LC" Conrad and Heidi Montag have faced off, on Monday's episode of the MTV show. The tabloid-friendly rivalry has made for endless back-and-forth drama, centered on a mysterious sex-tape rumor perpetrated by Montag's fiance Spencer Pratt. The devilish Pratt spread word to anyone who would listen, reportedly, that Conrad made a sex tape with ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler.

When the dust cleared: Heidi and LC won't be friends again, though LC has officially forgiven Montag.

The long-feuding duo talked three times on Monday's episode, breaking the silence for the first time since August's season premiere. On Monday, Montag ambushed LC when the two saw each other randomly at a L.A. club. "You're a bad person!" exclaimed LC, whose face was angry and resolute.

Montag and Conrad arranged a tete-a-tete at LC's West Hollywood apartment, but there would be no friendly ending. "The only thing to do is to forgive and forget," LC told Montag, who had brought a bouquet of flowers. "I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you."

Fierce!

Say you strip for a men's magazine. Even though you describe your layout as "classy," do you really want your dad -- or in the case of E! reality TV star Kim Kardashian -- your step-dad, former Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner, there watching you, um, work? That's was the sitch when the booty-blessed vixen, whose series Keepin Up With The Kardashians was just picked up for another season by E!, bared all for Playboy's annual celebrity skin issue. "I went and watched Kim do her shoot for the magazine cover," Jenner told Fox News' Pop Tart columnist. "I voted against her doing it. But we got through it and it turned out to be very tasteful. It’s a huge honor for Kim and she is a very beautiful woman. But, of course, as a father it is very strange and disturbing to see your daughter doing something like that." Tasteful? Honor? Strange? Disturbing? Make up your mind. Let's just state the obvious: Ewwww.

Thought your kids were spoiled? Take a look at the luxuriating of Kimora Lee's daughters on E!/Style Network's reality show, Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane. Little Ming, 7, and Aoki, 5, enjoyed chocolate facials and cupcake manicures and pedicures on Tuesday's episode, at L.A.'s Spa Di Da, a children's spa. Ming and Aoki are also models for mommy's Baby Phat clothing line. Such excess, this fab lane.

Ming complained that she didn't want seaweed on her face, but by trip's end, the grumpiness calmed. Asked by the babysitter how much fun she had, Ming held out her arms and said, "From here to China!" It looks like good fortune runs in the family. Mama Kimora, a model for Karl Lagerfeld at age 13, was across town in Bev Hills looking at a $15 million hillside estate. That's a lot of Baby Phat.

Fox's next great answer to off-season American Idol was supposed to be this fall's Next Great American Band. But if ratings for the show remain low -- as has been the case since October's premiere -- bands will need to find their next audience somewhere else. In a conference call Wednesday with reporters, Next Great American Band judge Ian "Dicko" Dickinson doubted the likelihood of a second season of the show.

"At the moment, I would say no," said Dickson, a reality TV veteran who has starred in Australian versions of Dancing with the Stars, American Idol and Survivor. "Who knows -- crazier things have happened. We'll have to see. But it doesn't look great at the moment. I'm really just trying to work hard and fight hard to get people to the show. ... I'm just hoping to end this season on the right trajectory."

Perhaps Sanjaya could make a special appearance to spike ratings?

Hulk Hogan was indestructible in the wrestling ring. As a reality TV star ... he's against the ropes. VH-1 is staying mum on the future of its top-rated Hogan Knows Best, suddenly in peril after a string of Hogan family troubles. A network rep told us this morning that more episodes are “still undecided.”

Last Wednesday, Hulk's wife Linda Hogan, filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. To boot, son Nick, 17, faces felony and misdemeanor charges after an August critical-injury car crash. A Hogan Knows Best rep issued a statement last week about how Nick’s charges would affect the show (before the divorce): “In light of current circumstances, the return of the series still remains undecided.” This morning, TMZ posted a story, citing family sources, that Linda, 47, and Hulk, 55, who have sought marriage counseling, separated in June and were trying to "make this work."

Of all places, Hulk reportedly got the divorce news from a newspaper. “You caught me off guard. Holy smokes,” he told the St. Petersburg Times last week. “Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me.”

Rest assured, Hogan fans: 19-year-old daughter Brooke's pop singing career remains intact.

Four days after Thanksgiving, we’re still hankering for swordfish ravioli. Featured on The Food Network’s Next Iron Chef Nov. 12 finale, swordfish ravioli was the third dish in the heated cook-off. Cleveland chef Michael Symon was crowned Next Iron Chef, a spinoff of Iron Chef America, despite a “bland” truffle butter sauce, judge (and original Iron Chef) Masaharu Morimoto said. Symon’s opponent, John Besh, prepared swordfish brandade agnolotti: pasta filled with swordfish mousse made from neck meat, garlic and olive oil. Sounds interesting, we think. If the Next Iron Chef can’t pull off swordfish ravioli, it sounds like a challenge for Chef Boyardee. He may not be iron – but his much-vaunted Spaghetti-O’s are one of our guilty pleasures.

Like David Beckham, we can’t get enough tattoos. They make us look tough. Premiering Nov. 27 on TLC, London Ink is the third incarnation of the much-plugged Ink series, after Miami Ink and L.A. Ink. London Ink follows U.K. tattoo artist Louis Malloy around his Goswell Road parlor, Middleton Tattoo Studio. Malloy -- a well-known tattoo artist across the Pond -- moonlights as Beckham’s ink stylist. Don’t expect Becks to appear on the show, however. The biggest – and only – "celebrity" cameo is U.K. Olympian track runner Iwan Thomas, the London Ink Website says. Thomas requests a tattoo similar to Wentworth Miller’s on Prison Break.

London Ink premiered Sept. 23 on Britain’s Discovery Channel and completed a six-episode well-received run. No word yet on a second season. Maybe then Beckham and wife Posh Spice will get tattoos.

New York (nee Tiffany Pollard) -- the famed buxom Flavor of Love cast-off – looks for love on VH-1's I Love New York 2, currently approaching its season finale.

10) Hipster cred. Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy appeared on last week's I Love New York, saying he’s a huge fan and that New York is the ideal reality star. She guest-stars in a Nip/Tuck episode, kissing Julian McMahon.
9) Fights. Muscular, imposing dudes spar with each other – despite rules prohibiting it. Old school Jerry Springer.
8) Machiavellian attitude. New York is proudly a pain in the neck. She lauds bad behavior and backstabbing among her suitors.
7) Outrageous outfits. New York rocks open-chested, sparkly tops accentuating an oversized bust, layering extra red lipstick with make-up, and wobbling around in tiny heels. Love it!
6) New York’s mother, who advises her daughter on dating decisions. If you thought New York’s mom would be an easy touch, wrong – she is harder to please. She doesn’t shake hands and accused one guy of having the capacity to kill animals.
5) Relative excellence. Comparing I Love New York to its VH-1 follow-up The Salt-n-Pepa Show is like comparing Friends to Joey.
4) Cool catchphrases. New York frequently refers to herself as “your girl,” as in “Do you have love for your girl, New York?”
3) Equal opportunity. This season, a little person named Midget Mac competed for New York’s love, making it to the top 10. He was eventually rejected.
2) No Flavor Flav. Flavor broke New York’s heart on his show, and we have yet to see him on her show.
1) Spunky entrepreneurial spirit. This season’s top 5 contenders (businessmen and MBA grad’s) are Apprentice-like in their cunning.

Consider us the hard-to-please judge. Our favorite time of the year is here: Dancing with the Stars is officially on hiatus until spring 2008. Congrats, Helio Castroneves, for dancing away with this season’s top spot … now, what’s happening on Biggest Loser? The DWTS trademark sugary theatricality can be a bit sweet after a few months. It’s a) a variety show, b) set in a ballroom, and c) hosted by Tom Bergeron. Shouldn’t this hybrid of reality TV and Disneyland attraction be on Saturday afternoon syndicated TV? We know the ratings are huge – 23 million viewers Monday and 21 million for Tuesday’s finale. And we'd be remiss not to mention that 30-plus countries around the world have versions of DWTS. The show’s vaguely international feel is cool – even if everything else is uncool.

See you next spring, Tom Bergeron.