Cool Dude. I like this Bachelor! Normally the guys they find for this show make me rubbery in the knee joints for the first few episodes, then their personal ticks, goofy voices and insincerity drive me to drink and I resentfully suffer through the rest of the season. This year was the opposite. I thought Brad was a preening turd (a bar owner? where’s our doctor?), but I began to realize this might be the first Bachelor in history who shows his hand and plays favorites.
The Rundown. My guess is Big Brad is an butt man. There is a cute Greek girl on the show named DeAnna who is so bootylicious she looks like a radish stapled to a carrot stick. DeAnna is also the only girl in the house who doesn’t talk like a lobotomized sorority girl drooling the days away with an empty smile and a push up bra, and get this – Brad likes her strong personality! She is my favorite right now and she recently replaced Jenni in the pole position because Jenni has turned into a typical Bachelor back stabber with a modeling portfolio.
X Rated Demands. Last night’s entertainment came from Hillary who has made it her personal mission to cram slutness, poor grammar and delusion into her one-dimensional TV persona. She had a few gems last night, like when she recited an X-rated list of demands and desires so vulgar they had to blur her mouth (and so intense and numerous I’m sure they’d have to give her a few stitches and a transfusion when Brad finished). Later she sniffled when Brad snuck away on their pool party group date, “why isn’t that not me?”
Dear, that’s a double negative. It works in Italian. English? Not so much. Hillary finally got a moment to chew on Brad’s ear and you could see him uncomfortably pulling away as Hillary tried to pin down an honest opinion from him. He basically told her she’s the funnest banana in the bunch but he’s worried they’re too good of friends. Bitch, when a shirtless guy looks at you in a bikini and tells you there’s no fire under his Ball Park Frank you better make haste and take those floatation devices to another pool party.
The Romantic Date. Sheena the bore got the once-in-a-season romantic date where she fulfilled her Cinderella fantasy by picking a new gown to go with the Chopard diamond earrings the show, I mean Brad, bought for her. She and Brad danced under the stars to the string quartet that lulled the temporary lovebirds deeper into the dream. Sheen snapped Brad back into reality by reading him the worst poem I’ve ever heard. It was something about the moles on his arm and the blond hair on his ears and how he should pick her becuase she’s fun! Brad said he was “speechless”, probably because his mother told him if you don’t have anything nice to say when someone humiliates themselves on national TV with rhyming drivel then don’t say anything. Brad asked if he could keep the poem, and I just imagine him drunk dialing his twin brother Chad to share the masterpiece, fighting his own fits of laughter to spit out the next line.
Coming Up Roses: Sheen got a rose as did DeAnna and her jelly, Jenni and divorcee Bettina. This left Hillary and Christy out in the cold and Christy handled it like a frigid champ. Hillary, however, was still operating under the delusion that Brad had special feelings and she even wore, get this, a white dress to remind him of what she’ll look like on their wedding day. Hold on. Give me a moment. It’s hard to snicker and type at the same time. There...I’m better. Hillary headed outside to do her best Christina Yang impression hyperventilating in her wedding dress as she realizes Burke has left for good. Hillary doubled over and fought off the shock of her dismissal as the onslaught of sobs over took her like the urge to wear a wedding dress to a funeral. Brad tried to comfort her but ultimately all he could offer was the “let’s be friends” malarkey that is tantamount to hearing your boyfriend has just slept with your sister. Hillary will be OK, she was bound to get her heart broken. It’s just a shame it had to happen on national TV in an outburst that made her look slightly less sane than Charles Manson at a parole hearing.
