The hangover has set in. Rock of Love is over and now all the hoochies and hos have to slink back to their lives as bankers, doctors, teachers and whores. I will miss them. We were treated to one last hurrah as the menagerie of skanks assembled on stage for the cameras on the gratuitous reunion show.
Kristia and blonde Brandi C. were the first simpletons under the microscope and they automatically stood out on the show as “girlfriends” who rubbed their boobs together and promised to do whatever necessary to win the all access pass to Bret Michaels pleather pants. Even Bret had tired of the implanted blonde pseudo lesbian act and he eliminated the arguably hotter and dumber Kristia fairly early in the show. Kristia and Brandi C. have since moved in together and they will soon be joined by VH1’s next possible bachelorette, first runner-up Heather.
Lacey was a disappointment for me. She skirted questions about her delusional, perverted father whom I will always remember reclining on his daughter’s bed like a leach as he soaked in the view of Heather’s boobies with the off kilter smile of a molester. All the girls took a turn giving it to the biggest psycho to turn up on a dating show since that poor drunk oncologist cornered Bachelor Travis Stork to let him know her eggs were rotting. That lady didn’t make it past the first episode but crazy Lacey made it into the top three. Animal lover Lacey presented animal skin wearer Dallas with a t-shirt that said “Dallas Loves Michael Vick”. I thought that was pretty clever, you know a play on words because the girl’s name is Dallas and that’s also the name of a big city in Texas and maybe they have dog fighting there so maybe Dallas really does love Michael Vick. Everyone else accused Lacey of being a pole-smoking slut, and if these daggers penetrated her insane veneer they would have been satisfying but aging Lacey just shrugged off the slights like so much semen off a slut’s back.
The big shock of the night was too-mature-for-her-age Jes breaking up with Bret because he picked the wrong girl. After all the bad blood between Jes and Heather in Mexico it was a refreshing surprise to see Jes put aside their beef and share the truth we’ve known all along - Bret and Heather belong together. These two had an undeniable connection, there had to be something there to explain him keeping this trout faced drag queen until the end, and Jes is too young and cool to be his girlfriend. Bret and Heather are throwbacks to another era of big hair, lip gloss and hot pants (and that’s just the men!), and they deserve to ride the Sunset Strip into their golden years.
