Last night’s DWTS (we shorten the names in the industry) was bearable because none of the dancey stars performed the same dance. Unfortunately Marie Osmond stayed on her feet and no one collapsed or was seriously injured, but there were some standout moments from the celebrity hoofers who refused to sit still.
Boring old keg-of-a-girl Sabrina actually stumbled last night with her foxtrot, and the former Miss 30 had to live with an underwhelming 25. Oh how the portly have fallen. Len called her dancing too aggressive, Bruno suggested she work in a little finesse and Carrie Ann was back to her generous self by blanketing Sabrina with praise calling her “smooth and feisty”. Where Sabrina lacked Jennie Garth picked up the slack, but in spite of her effortless dancing and improved technique her midriff baring cut outs were less than flattering. At least Sabrina had the good sense to work with her chunk, she always emphasized her best assets.
The surprise of the night came from former frontrunner Jane Seymour who prominently displayed her gravity defying yet tasteful bosom. If only the contest was scored on breast presentation she would have received higher marks, but alas she was penalized by the judges who tried to look on the bright side by calling her “nifty for 50” (Len) and a “class act” (Carrie Ann). She received the lowest score of the night with a paltry and dry 22. Ouch. The other low scorer of the night was Jane’s fellow member of the post-menopausal MILF club, Marie Osmond. Marie got a 23 for dancing safe and uncomfortably, and if America plays it safe (and right) tonight they’ll send Marie back to Provo to work on her semi-nude synchronized swimming videos.
The high score of the night went to Mel B. who set the floor ablaze with her sensual, nay SEXUAL rumba. The judges found it mesmerizing and called it “fantastic” and “excellent”. I read a tabloid story that claimed Mel B. is taking breast enhancing Japanese transfat tablets, and apparently it is aligning her body and improving her dancing. Finally she has a body part that balances out that wagon she’s draggin’! Mel gave the judges an eyeful and a mouthful and they gave her a 30 in return. Is this some sort of sanitized network prostitution? Kinky. Helio represented the men who normally do well in the competition but this year they’re down to just Cameron and Mr. Indy. He shined like a new drachma with a 28 in a cha cha cha that made my motor run. He is so touchy with his partner and I notice he wears a ring on his left finger. How long until Mrs. Castroneves tinkers with Edyta’s brakes?
I predict it will come down to Marie and Jane based on their scores and dwindling support, but Marie has been the dark horse and country favorite so look for a possible head-to-head between Jane and Cameron that might send Dr. Quinn back to the clinic.
