Reality Bites

Consider us the hard-to-please judge. Our favorite time of the year is here: Dancing with the Stars is officially on hiatus until spring 2008. Congrats, Helio Castroneves, for dancing away with this season’s top spot … now, what’s happening on Biggest Loser? The DWTS trademark sugary theatricality can be a bit sweet after a few months. It’s a) a variety show, b) set in a ballroom, and c) hosted by Tom Bergeron. Shouldn’t this hybrid of reality TV and Disneyland attraction be on Saturday afternoon syndicated TV? We know the ratings are huge – 23 million viewers Monday and 21 million for Tuesday’s finale. And we'd be remiss not to mention that 30-plus countries around the world have versions of DWTS. The show’s vaguely international feel is cool – even if everything else is uncool.

See you next spring, Tom Bergeron.

New York (nee Tiffany Pollard) -- the famed buxom Flavor of Love cast-off – looks for love on VH-1's I Love New York 2, currently approaching its season finale.

10) Hipster cred. Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy appeared on last week's I Love New York, saying he’s a huge fan and that New York is the ideal reality star. She guest-stars in a Nip/Tuck episode, kissing Julian McMahon.
9) Fights. Muscular, imposing dudes spar with each other – despite rules prohibiting it. Old school Jerry Springer.
8) Machiavellian attitude. New York is proudly a pain in the neck. She lauds bad behavior and backstabbing among her suitors.
7) Outrageous outfits. New York rocks open-chested, sparkly tops accentuating an oversized bust, layering extra red lipstick with make-up, and wobbling around in tiny heels. Love it!
6) New York’s mother, who advises her daughter on dating decisions. If you thought New York’s mom would be an easy touch, wrong – she is harder to please. She doesn’t shake hands and accused one guy of having the capacity to kill animals.
5) Relative excellence. Comparing I Love New York to its VH-1 follow-up The Salt-n-Pepa Show is like comparing Friends to Joey.
4) Cool catchphrases. New York frequently refers to herself as “your girl,” as in “Do you have love for your girl, New York?”
3) Equal opportunity. This season, a little person named Midget Mac competed for New York’s love, making it to the top 10. He was eventually rejected.
2) No Flavor Flav. Flavor broke New York’s heart on his show, and we have yet to see him on her show.
1) Spunky entrepreneurial spirit. This season’s top 5 contenders (businessmen and MBA grad’s) are Apprentice-like in their cunning.

Like David Beckham, we can’t get enough tattoos. They make us look tough. Premiering Nov. 27 on TLC, London Ink is the third incarnation of the much-plugged Ink series, after Miami Ink and L.A. Ink. London Ink follows U.K. tattoo artist Louis Malloy around his Goswell Road parlor, Middleton Tattoo Studio. Malloy -- a well-known tattoo artist across the Pond -- moonlights as Beckham’s ink stylist. Don’t expect Becks to appear on the show, however. The biggest – and only – "celebrity" cameo is U.K. Olympian track runner Iwan Thomas, the London Ink Website says. Thomas requests a tattoo similar to Wentworth Miller’s on Prison Break.

London Ink premiered Sept. 23 on Britain’s Discovery Channel and completed a six-episode well-received run. No word yet on a second season. Maybe then Beckham and wife Posh Spice will get tattoos.

Four days after Thanksgiving, we’re still hankering for swordfish ravioli. Featured on The Food Network’s Next Iron Chef Nov. 12 finale, swordfish ravioli was the third dish in the heated cook-off. Cleveland chef Michael Symon was crowned Next Iron Chef, a spinoff of Iron Chef America, despite a “bland” truffle butter sauce, judge (and original Iron Chef) Masaharu Morimoto said. Symon’s opponent, John Besh, prepared swordfish brandade agnolotti: pasta filled with swordfish mousse made from neck meat, garlic and olive oil. Sounds interesting, we think. If the Next Iron Chef can’t pull off swordfish ravioli, it sounds like a challenge for Chef Boyardee. He may not be iron – but his much-vaunted Spaghetti-O’s are one of our guilty pleasures.

Hulk Hogan was indestructible in the wrestling ring. As a reality TV star ... he's against the ropes. VH-1 is staying mum on the future of its top-rated Hogan Knows Best, suddenly in peril after a string of Hogan family troubles. A network rep told us this morning that more episodes are “still undecided.”

Last Wednesday, Hulk's wife Linda Hogan, filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. To boot, son Nick, 17, faces felony and misdemeanor charges after an August critical-injury car crash. A Hogan Knows Best rep issued a statement last week about how Nick’s charges would affect the show (before the divorce): “In light of current circumstances, the return of the series still remains undecided.” This morning, TMZ posted a story, citing family sources, that Linda, 47, and Hulk, 55, who have sought marriage counseling, separated in June and were trying to "make this work."

Of all places, Hulk reportedly got the divorce news from a newspaper. “You caught me off guard. Holy smokes,” he told the St. Petersburg Times last week. “Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me.”

Rest assured, Hogan fans: 19-year-old daughter Brooke's pop singing career remains intact.

Fox's next great answer to off-season American Idol was supposed to be this fall's Next Great American Band. But if ratings for the show remain low -- as has been the case since October's premiere -- bands will need to find their next audience somewhere else. In a conference call Wednesday with reporters, Next Great American Band judge Ian "Dicko" Dickinson doubted the likelihood of a second season of the show.

"At the moment, I would say no," said Dickson, a reality TV veteran who has starred in Australian versions of Dancing with the Stars, American Idol and Survivor. "Who knows -- crazier things have happened. We'll have to see. But it doesn't look great at the moment. I'm really just trying to work hard and fight hard to get people to the show. ... I'm just hoping to end this season on the right trajectory."

Perhaps Sanjaya could make a special appearance to spike ratings?

Thought your kids were spoiled? Take a look at the luxuriating of Kimora Lee's daughters on E!/Style Network's reality show, Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane. Little Ming, 7, and Aoki, 5, enjoyed chocolate facials and cupcake manicures and pedicures on Tuesday's episode, at L.A.'s Spa Di Da, a children's spa. Ming and Aoki are also models for mommy's Baby Phat clothing line. Such excess, this fab lane.

Ming complained that she didn't want seaweed on her face, but by trip's end, the grumpiness calmed. Asked by the babysitter how much fun she had, Ming held out her arms and said, "From here to China!" It looks like good fortune runs in the family. Mama Kimora, a model for Karl Lagerfeld at age 13, was across town in Bev Hills looking at a $15 million hillside estate. That's a lot of Baby Phat.

Say you strip for a men's magazine. Even though you describe your layout as "classy," do you really want your dad -- or in the case of E! reality TV star Kim Kardashian -- your step-dad, former Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner, there watching you, um, work? That's was the sitch when the booty-blessed vixen, whose series Keepin Up With The Kardashians was just picked up for another season by E!, bared all for Playboy's annual celebrity skin issue. "I went and watched Kim do her shoot for the magazine cover," Jenner told Fox News' Pop Tart columnist. "I voted against her doing it. But we got through it and it turned out to be very tasteful. It’s a huge honor for Kim and she is a very beautiful woman. But, of course, as a father it is very strange and disturbing to see your daughter doing something like that." Tasteful? Honor? Strange? Disturbing? Make up your mind. Let's just state the obvious: Ewwww.

Roseanne vs. Tom Arnold. Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant. And now The Hills' Lauren "LC" Conrad and Heidi Montag have faced off, on Monday's episode of the MTV show. The tabloid-friendly rivalry has made for endless back-and-forth drama, centered on a mysterious sex-tape rumor perpetrated by Montag's fiance Spencer Pratt. The devilish Pratt spread word to anyone who would listen, reportedly, that Conrad made a sex tape with ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler.

When the dust cleared: Heidi and LC won't be friends again, though LC has officially forgiven Montag.

The long-feuding duo talked three times on Monday's episode, breaking the silence for the first time since August's season premiere. On Monday, Montag ambushed LC when the two saw each other randomly at a L.A. club. "You're a bad person!" exclaimed LC, whose face was angry and resolute.

Montag and Conrad arranged a tete-a-tete at LC's West Hollywood apartment, but there would be no friendly ending. "The only thing to do is to forgive and forget," LC told Montag, who had brought a bouquet of flowers. "I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you."

Fierce!

Dancing with the Stars viewers got a glimpse inside the Mel B/Stephen Belafonte household during Monday's show. And it looks like a lot of fun. In efforts to tap into Mel B's aggressive side for her dance intensity, Belafonte, Mel B's husband of six months, told her during a taped at-home segment, "You're fat." Belafonte also reminded her that he leaves his wet dirty towels on the bathroom floor and removes the caps from toothpaste tubes.

"If I can be as angry at the tango as my husband made me," Mel B said. Eddie Murphy who?